A different eye

I spent my first full day away from Charlie this weekend; I put him to bed Friday night and didn't see him in person until the 5 o'clock hour Sunday morning. I missed him so much, I was FaceTiming him and going through pictures of him because I missed him so bad. 

Thing is, now that we've been reunited I'm noticing some differences in real life Charlie and Instagram/Facebook Charlie. He's not been changed like body snatchers changed, it's subtle.

He's tall-- like really tall. He's nearly the length of his changing table, the capacity of my lap and he's grabbing things off his dresser. 

He's thinner. He still has his little roly poly belly and his baby cellulite, but his back fat and double chin are hardly noticeable. His face isn't quite so round.  

His hair is thicker, darker, curlier and somehow still the same. He's got like three significantly different chunks of hair on his head-- and it's all filling in nicely.

He's so expressive. It's like having conversations with him now when he babbles because I know what he kinda means.  

What day is it?

Worst day keep track of person ever right here. I completely forgot about mommy Monday! Never fear though! Here we go!

Being a parent is a wonderful, amazing, terrifying blessing. I live my life flying high with bliss and debilitated with anxiety. I just wanna carry him around with me all the time!!

When I see other people with their babies I wanna kiss Charlie-- I am torn literally every time I get home from work between hoping he's asleep peacefully or being awake so I can hold him.

This is definitely not something I was warned of! I'm obsessed with him and so stressed at the thought of all the things that can happen to him. There are a million things beyond my control that could hurt him or his quality of life, and I cry sometimes thinking of what could happen. 

Be warned, people, parenthood isn't for the weak-- any decent person will find it hard to be selfish when it involves their child. 

Is he a jerk or isn't he a jerk?

There are times when Eric and mines opinion differ...greatly, to say the least. We take turns being right but that doesn't make my turns at being wrong any less bitter.

When you're pregnant there's a lot of agreeing and planning but until you're in the situation there's no telling where you'll be. Eric's very much tough love and wanting Charlie to do a lot himself. I'm very attachment parenting and very hands on. We were on the same page in the beginning but as we both started expecting different things and wanting different things, our opinions started to clash. 

I am super grateful that Eric is my opposite on some issues because it means we're looking at things differently and covering all the angles. We don't let our differences become points of contention because at the end of the day we both want Charlie thriving and happy.

Eric loves our little guy just as much as I do and loves to just snuggle up with him too; when he frustrates me or seems hard hearted I just remind myself of that and it eases the sting.

It's not about knee jerk reactions anymore

In my old life, I was a free spirit-- going wherever the road led, no problem. Now that I've got a little one, that way of life isn't always okay anymore. Somethings I'm glad to not have to do anymore, like be a friend's plus one to a thing where their crush will be (you know where they bring you as a back up plan but usually ditch you), but things like impromptu adventures with friends I do miss.

Typically, things like new job opportunities I tend to follow my knee jerk reaction on because I don't have many options with my availability and I want to be doing the best I can with the time I can spare for work. I'm trying to be a responsible adult and stick to my plans but dang it, sometimes a girl just wants to hop in a car with no destination in mind-- just her friends and a playlist-- and go.

So on that idea I'll give old life a half a point, but mommy hood still wins out because the look Charlie gives me when he laughs is so amazing. I loved my old life but Charlie couldn't fit into it, so it has to change because I love him more than anything.

Adjusting isn't easy but nothing ever worth doing is. I've got to just remind myself of that tirelessly. 

Writing again

Having a child changes things-- oh Lord, does it change things-- but now that I'm adjusted to having my little guy I'm missing the things that made me me. Writing and creative ventures were/are a really big part of me and I'm ready to get back into it!!

The thing that kind of makes me pause though is that usually when I write or get into my creative zone, I tend to detach myself from everything around me. I don't know why, maybe so that what I'm creating isn't influenced by anything but my thought process? Perhaps it's because I don't want to get distracted and lose my momentum?

Whatever the reason, obviously it would not be okay for me to detach now that I've got a little boy who depends on me for everything. I'm thinking of this chane in my approach as a good thing, I did have a bad habit of not following though because "the impulse was gone". Now that I'm not ruled by fickle tides of "inspiration" I can really work on my writing again.

After all, the only way to get better is to keep doing it and it's sad I can't even churn out at least a post a week haha! So I'm officially declaring Monday my mandatory posting day! We'll call it Mommy Monday haha. 

Baby fever?

Lately I've been asked by people if I'm "ready for another kid/baby yet?"  I always reply no because I'm still enjoying Charlie grow up. I don't think I've got even a touch of normal baby fever like some people seem to assume I should have. When I see small children and babies at work I get a small pang, sure, but it's because I miss Charlie so much! All I want is to hug him when I see other moms shopping with their little ones. 

I'm forever wondering what he's doing or if he's okay without me when I'm gone, then I feel guilty for doing so because I spend most of my days with him. Eric works a 9-5 job, would LOVE to spend as much time as I do with Charlie and here I am complaining about the twenty some odd hours I spend away from him? Rude. Charlie is a constantly changing and growing little boy; we'll never get these moments back with him! That's why personally I couldn't intentionally have another child so soon-- we'd miss all of this!

  

9 months? Where has the time gone?

Charlie is 9 months and my mother tatted grilling me for his first birthday ideas and plans. When did this happen? One second he's a sweet and snugly newborn, and now he's a wiggly, adventurous baby. 

He's always been really big for his age and I think that's part of what's making him seem older. I just want him to stay my little baby for ever!!

At the same time, however, I can't wait to see my little guy come into his own and express himself--become himself. Haha here I am thinking of him in 3-4 years and we just bought his first pair of shoes that fit yesterday. 

The biggest thing for me personally is to enjoy each moment and not put the cart before the horse. I can't experience him at 3 until I've experienced him at 1. 

I gotta finish planning his party so I can start making invitations. 

Sweetest thing

Charlie is learning to give shows of affection and it makes bedtime stories that much sweeter because he kisses the book good night as well as me or Eric. Swoon haha

Standing and climbing

Charlie is in his climbing stage; he'll use chairs, couches, people, even his little baby piano to try to stand. It's amazing how quickly he's gotten to this milestone, especially when I thought he wouldn't get crawling down-- jokes on me, he's a speed crawler, zipping across the room in the time it takes me to wash my hands. 

I  am in awe of how much this little guy has grown! It seems like just yesterday I brought him home and now he's exploring his world himself!

Roaches. Ugh.

I hate roaches and living in an apartment in Texas sometimes means they're around. We keep the kitchen clean and they don't get too crazy but when I do see them I try so hard not to use heavy chemicals to kill them. I don't want it on my hands or all over a place where Charlie will get to it.

So I started looking on the Internet for better choices and I found a list of natural roach repellants online!! Letting catnip soak in water then putting that "tea" in a water bottle to spray down the area is one. Diatomaceous earth is another-- it literally cuts them open and dries them out! You'll want the DE to be food grade though. Soapy water drowns them essentially because they breathe through their skin and the soap covers their breathing pores so fill a spray bottle with soapy water and you're set. Put moth balls in corners or sprinkle borax to repel them, they hate the smell. 

Teething

Teething definitely makes life with a little one "one step forward, two steps back". Charlie has been really needy/clingy and at night gets up more often because of his pain; he's working on his 3rd and 4th teeth right now. I've been up quite a few times since last night but I've been trying to avoid using oragel because too much and his gag reflex won't work in case he's got to dislodge something in his throat.

He gets feverish sometimes but it passes. He is definitely constantly messing with the teeth either with his mouth/tongue or by chewing on things. He's cutting these ones faster than his first two and I'm grateful; maybe he'll have a little lull before the next ones come through. 

Things sleep training has taught me:

[1] if the baby's bassinet/play pen/crib is in your bedroom, you're working against yourself. The urge to just bring them into your bed to quiet them down so you can sleep is too strong.

[2] you're going to be really really really really really tired and want to take shortcuts. Don't. They won't work an you'll be putting yourself back a few steps. 

[3] they're going to cry. Sometimes a lot, sometimes just a little. They're going to cry, you have to decide a plan for coping because very rarely sleep training results in no tears.

[4] at 1-3 am (depending on your child's typical unholy hour wake up point in the night) I typically psych myself up so I don't fall asleep with him on the glider, drop him and probably collapse on him as well. Usually a jumping jack or two will accomplish that. 

[5] you're going to miss nighttime snuggles with your baby but remind yourself now you don't have to worry about your SO crushing them in their sleep

Beginning to sleep train

I first must preface this post with saying you will think things and say things out of exhaustion to or about your partner in this time-- issue a blanket apology. More to come when I'm not blind with exhaustion. 

Sex after baby?

I have been so scatterbrained and busy I just realized that I haven't finished this post on sex postpartum!! Duhhh it's such a huge topic I gotta do it.

At your six week PP visit, your OBGYN will make sure, physically, you're all healed up but just because she says your body is ready for sex doesn't mean you are. 

I know personally, I wasn't a fan of the idea. I was finally getting my body back and back in control of it; I was going to have to relearn it and figure out what is my "new normal". My hormones were still in a tail spin and I felt about as sexy as a stump.

Eric was great about not pressuring me to have sex, but he didn't want me to keep feeling like I was unattractive so he'd make passes at me to reassure me that how I felt wasn't how I looked. I felt so bad because I wanted to want to have sex but I couldn't get my body and mind on the same page, and he was dying. Try not to take a persistent significant other's advances the wrong way; they aren't being inconsiderate of your feelings and they aren't only thinking of themselves. Remember, you're in a partnership, he has needs like you have needs and if he's going to respect your boundaries you've got to respect his attraction to you.

After giving birth, it's totally normal to feel like your vagina is strictly for business-- I pushed a 10 lb baby outta there, I'm not wanting anything to do with down there! Haha I went ahead and tried to have sex a few days after my 6 week well, but I couldn't have been dryer if I tried. But that's normal too!

As Eric worked with me, sometimes he felt like it was something he was doing wrong. I had to explain to him that it's not that I'm not attracted to him, it's that I'm not attracted to me. It's hard to be into someone else when all you can think is "ugh I feel gross. I wonder if he's thinking about how gross I am too".

I'm 4 months PP now and at times it's touch and go but for the most part things are settling down for me sexually. I'm breast feeding so that keeps my hormones on a roller coaster but it doesn't kill my libido entirely. Be communicative with your partner about: what feels good, what doesn't feel good, whether doing something different would help or being honest about why/what is keeping you from feeling "in the mood". That will help wonders and keep you guys from feeling resentful; he won't think you're just making excuses or don't find him attractive, and you won't be upset because he keeps pushing for sex.

Strangest thing

For all the advice I've been given or read about breast feeding and introducing bottles, it all warns that one needs to be careful introducing bottles because the baby may prefer it to the nipple and refuse to nurse when bottles are so much easier. Nothing prepared me for the fact that Charlie would take to bottles with ease and have no problems nursing until one day he just decides bottles are the devil and refuse them. Ever. Everrr.

He also nurses to sleep which we're worried about his ability to send himself off to sleep and self soothe. He's thriving and I'm not working soon so it doesn't bother us too much right now. We figure we'll give him time and keep trying with other nipples. It's just unheard of to people I ask haha. That's my boy alright!! Haha mind of his own like his parents!

Things change when there's a baby around

Ever since Charlie came things have changed, obviously, and things continue to change. I've put up with shit from my neighbors for months but I'm rapidly approaching my limit. I cannot take his bullshit anymore and with Charlie being here I do not want his nonsense anymore. I have a son to take care of and I don't need his riff raff hanging out around our courtyard when I'm walking up to my apartment alone with him. I hate living next door to a drug dealer and I have hated it. I've put up with it because I wasn't a mom, now that I am I cannot have anything threatening his well being. This parking spot fight is the last straw for me and I'm ready to fight his guy to the death. If he decides to tangle with me I'll make him regret it. No one messes with my family.

Clever marketing or shameless attack against insecurities?

Choosing to solely breast feed is a stressful one especially since you can't see how much your baby is eating. "Am I producing enough?" is a constant question I found myself asking, especially since Charlie would eat so frequently and the doctor was already eyeballing his weight. Supplementing with formula would have felt like personal failure to me so I was really putting the pressure on myself to make enough and help Charlie gain weight. I researched countless things to help my supply and started pumping to help my supply. It was so frustrating to pump for half an hour and get a measly ounce or two! I was convinced I wasn't making enough but Eric convinced me to stay at it, reminding me we had a lactation consultant to contact for help and support. She told me to keep at it, saying it could take anywhere from a few days to a week to see an increase in supply. She even reminded me that since he was only a week or so old, Charlie wasn't eating much each feeding so there would be no point to my body producing 9 ounces each time I pumped; I would build my supply as he grew because that's how it works.

Now they've got these "milk supply tests" in stores; essentially you pump and dump it into this tube and it'll tell you if you're making enough milk. If I had known about these milk supply tests, I'm sure I would have caved and bought it, tested myself and FAILED, even though there's nothing wrong with my supply!! You can't pump once and have an accurate bead on your supply, and it's unfair of a test to tell you you're not doing well enough. I would have failed the test even though my milk has my three month old already twice his birth weight.

So what does that tell you? These are simply there to capitalize on a very real fear! You'll take the test, most likely fail and then buy formula to supplement your "failing supply" whereas if you had just trusted yourself you'd have been fine. There are fewer women than we think who actually cannot make enough milk to feed their babies; roughly 2% can't no matter what they do. Looking at that statistic instead of being convinced by outside pressure that you're not doing well enough, you should surround yourself with constructive support. Find a Facebook group you can use as a sound board, contact your local chapter of LLL (La Leche League) for workshops and support, find a friend or relative who's breastfed and you can pick their brain. Go into this with all the knowledge you can possibly gather and kick breast feeding ass!

Helpful links:
https://www.facebook.com/mothersagainstmilkscreen
http://www.parenting.com/article/the-breastfeeding-police
http://www.llli.org/
http://kellymom.com

It's all so tiring

Even with naps during the day, I'm exhausted. The one con to cosleeping is that I'm not hitting really deep sleep because I've got to be aware of Charlie's little body next to mine. I'm not dead on my feet but I'm definitely dragging some ass. Luckily he still naps like half the day so I'm not expected to entertain him terribly much.

Changes on changes.

So my job as a nanny is coming to a close and now comes the challenge of finding something I can work around Eric's work schedule or something I can work and bring Charlie with me. I've been working since I was 16; I've never not had a job but its harder finding a position with these parameters. Just when you start to get comfortable, right?

My first major mistake

Ughhh. I made the biggest rookie mistake today and it bothers me so much because usually I would never make this mistake. I ran out of diapers in the diaper bag today. At least I checked for a new diaper before I took off his dirty one! Ughh!!! I have never forgotten diapers for him and now the poor kid is sitting in a dirty one until we can get home. I feel terrible.

Fair weather friends

When you get pregnant, you notice that some people distance themselves. This could be because they're in a different point in their lives or they feel like with a baby you won't be the person they need you to be in the friendship. Once the baby is born, however, some of those people may rethink their previous stance (don't hold your breath). Don't forget though, this is still a time where you're going to lose more friends. These people didn't leave when you were pregnant because in their minds it wasn't set in stone; the arrival makes it real and then they exit. Try not to let it get to you; you've got a little one you're caring for. That being said, the friends who stick by you through both transitions are the keepers-- even more so the people who step up and get involved.

Sleepover didn't go too well

Last night was the first time Charlie spent the night with someone else and it didn't go very well. He stayed up most of the night and was searching for us my mom said. I felt so bad when I heard that he didn't sleep because he missed us. I know we couldn't have done anything because we were all the way downtown but we missed him and he missed us!

Bathtime

Charlie absolutely loves to take baths and I'm adding that to the blessing column! This should also mean that he'll like swimming haha thank goodness I won't have a child I have to sponge bathe until they're three at the very least

Easily distracted

I've noticed when its nap time Charlie is now distracted and playing around. While I love that he's seeing the world around him so much clearer and wants to engage, it's kind of annoying when just a moment ago he was crying and fussing that he's hungry and tired but now piss it all. Haha but the frustration is short lived when he smiles his cute little gummy smile at me!! I'm starting to learn some tricks to get him to focus on the task at hand. The mantra is always "he's learning how the world works, let him and he'll learn what he's gotta do."

Just a thought

My little boy will never be this little again. He'll never have this day again. He's already growing so much.

Habits already forming?

I will admit that I take shortcuts sometimes. For example I started cosleeping because I wanted to be able to side feed Charlie so I could sleep while doing so. Ditto for naps! Haha but now that Charlie sometimes pitches fits when I try to feed him in a position where we're not laying side by side I've got to wonder, when does he start forming habits and preferences? He already stopped drinking from bottles when I'm around because he wants to drink from me. That's made it trickier trying to take a break and let Eric take over, so what's next? I can't side lay feed every time I feed little man. Is this the price I pay for the occasional laziness?

Sleepy time

Up until now I like to think I've learned Charlie and his habits pretty well, but just like how his eating is suddenly changing up his sleeping preferences are changing too. Nap times are now fluctuating and before where he'd be solid for a few hours he wakes up and needs interaction before he'll go back to sleep. And God help you if you wake him up before he's ready or keep him up through a nap time. A good change however is that when he sleeps he's okay with sleeping alone for longer periods of time; he may be naturally weaning himself off of cosleeping. Another perk is I don't have to hold my bodily functions around when we're asleep together. There's nothing more agonizing than holding it in knowing he child you're with is probably going in their diaper right that moment. I can also eat meals without worrying about dropping anything on him or not being able to eat it laying down-- or assembling it before I'm hungry and having it be cold by the one I want it.

Switcharoo

Little man up to this point has been super cooperative with anything I ask of him but now he's decided that he's not going to take bottles anymore. What the what?

My little man

At two months my baby boy can pretty much hold his head up and likes to be helped to stand in his lap and loves sitting propped up to sit on the couch or laps. He's growing so much! At the same time, it's so surreal to think all of this will be just a memory someday.

He's growing so quickly and I'm terrified he's skipping milestones or speeding through them and we're missing so much. I love him so much I want to see everything he wants to show me.

Memory

My memory still isn't what it was before I got pregnant, and I'm really bummed! I constantly find myself on the cusp of saying something only to have it vanish. And I'm lucky that the diaper bag ends up being a carry all because if I need to find something I can go look there-- 9 times out of 10 it's there. I'm glad that I never forget things to do for Charlie, but would it kill my memory to get it together?

Online shopping is dangerous.

Online shopping is dangerous because you only need one finger to do it. Therefore while you breastfeed you can do it plenty. Haha the other day I went eyeglass frame shopping and then quickly snapped up two new phone cases-- in my defense I had it narrowed down from 20. I had 3 tabs open of boots when I stopped myself. Since I feel wonky about myself I buy things to help me feel awesome/normal haha I feel like since things are so different I'm wanting to embrace it so I can feel like things are leveling out.

Baby Wearer's Dilemma

I'm all about baby wearing and already have a Seven Sling and an Infantino Breathe Carrier.

We absolutely love the SS, but now the problem is little man always seems on the verge of spilling out of the loop.

We like the IBC but it seems to be too big and getting him in and out by your onesie is tricky--the other night I practically had to toss him one handed into his carseat because we were trapped.

We registered for a Moby wrap when we did the baby shower registry, but no one sprang for one. I was super bummed but now I'm glad I haven't gotten one yet because its given me a chance to do some research on different brands. Be careful what you wish for though, because now I'm at a crux trying to decide which one I like the best: Moby or Baby K'tan.

The Moby wrap has had a ton of rave reviews from peers and their website is amazing. They've got a section called "Moby Lifestyle" that has yoga positions and exercises you can do with your baby in the wrap. It comes in a ton of different colors and patterns. But it looks kinda tricky to get down and there's a ton of fabric you're weaving around your body. Plus, once you wrap yourself up and stick baby in, if its too loose or too tight you have to start all over.

The Baby K'tan is marketed as "the coverage of a wrap with the ease of a sling" and from the pictures it is waaayyy simpler than the MW. It doesn't come in as many patterns/colors as the MW but it'll take about half the time to put it on and slip baby in. I stumbled across an add for BK in a parenting/NB magazine and don't know of anyone I personally know who has one so there's no personal testimony I can bring. Its a fixed size so I'll always know baby will fit without constantly adjusting if I get the right size.

Buying both is out because frankly I don't have $110 (MW is bout $50 and the BK is about $60) to drop for them, and if the MW is as tough as the video at bottom shows then there's no way in a pinch I'll use it. Then I'll have bought it and end up using the BK all the time. Since Eric and I are the same size I won't have to worry about getting two BK in different sizes, but the MW eliminates the possibility of us not fitting. I think I'll bite the bullet and go for the BK after watching this video. If I don't love it I can always return it right?

Phantom poops

I hate when I'm driving and I get a whiff of Charlie's poop. I immediately think "do I have it stuck on me?" and the answer is (so far) always "no". Why on earth do I get struck with these phantom poops? Sometimes they hit Eric too but they hit me often and at random times. Once, I was so convinced he pooped that when I opened his diaper and there wasn't any I stood there for a minute confused.

Back to the grindstone...plus one!

I started back at work last week (hence the decline in posts which I'm remedying!) and it hasn't been too much of an adjustment. I'm a nanny and the family I nanny for has graciously alloweed me to bring Charlie to work with me"; it helps that right now I've got the entire time the girls are at school free. I'm so freaking lucky! Plus, I'd be S.O.L. otherwise because he's too small to be in daycare and I've got no one to watch him. I still get time with little one, the ability to pump/breastfeed at will and I can work.

Being on maternity leave has made things spread thin financially, but bless Eric and his wllingness to juggle things so I could take as long as I needed-- he even tried to encourage me to take a longer leave. It feels good to contribute to our household again and even better since I'm not sacrificing time with my baby boy to do so.

Random thoughts

Thank God for online mom support communities because if I could only ask my mom about her pregnancies, I'd freaking lose it! her experiences are so different from mine as are her parenting philosophies, it'd be frustrating and confusing.

I woke up soaked in my own breast milk today. Good morning to me.

When Charlie smiles in his sleep I wish I could read his mind and see what he's dreaming about.

I'm constantly patting myself down, digging through bags and looking around a room convinced I'm forgetting something or am about to.

Fuck hair doing and make up. When I was pregnant I had a faint notion I'd start wearing make up because I felt disgusting while 8-9 months pregnant. Now reality says "ha! that's funny"

I wish it wasn't so inconvenient

I'm exclusively breastfeeding Charlie, and we're trying to introduce the bottle so I pump when I can to build up our surplus. But damn it all, if the pump isn't inconvenient as all hell at 2 am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that it can completely drain a too full breast in less than 10 minutes, but it takes that long making sure I've got all the pieces, its assembled and on the nipple correctly. Ughhhh and don't get me started on cleaning and sterilizing everything between uses!

I'm hoping I'll find a shortcut or something because breast is best and I want to keep giving him that.

And here we have the peanut gallery

We introduced Charlie to the bottle this weekend, and despite warnings he might not like it, he chugged every bottle down so fast he was convnced he was still hungry afterwards. Haha that would be funny if it were just Eric and me, but since my mom was around when we first introduced the bottle she had all these comments about when she was breast feeding me. I was pumping at the same time as Eric was feeding Charlie, and I made decent amounts.

Later on when my maternal grandmother and aunt were there as well, I had all three of them hovering over my shoulder, spouting comments and well meant advice but it was like being bombarded. When I pumped that time I made about half the amount I usually pump. Moral of the story is, if you're stressed or under duress you won't make as much milk.

Never grow up

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with Charlie or feeding him, I just look at him and think "I wish he'd stay this way forever". I want him to never grow up and be a baby forever sometimes! Haha but then at the same time I can't wait until he's bigger to experience his personality and just him at each age.

I think the craziest part to me is that I'm so obsessed with him; if you would have told me a year and a half ago I'd be a mother I would have laughed. Now this little man calls the shots and I'm totes okay with that!

Is this really up for debate?

In light of all the gun control talk going around right now, I was discussing our family gun policy with my dad and Eric. We are all very big gun supporters, what with my dad teaching CHL classes and servicing guns and Eric and I both having taken the class. Protecting ourselves and owning guns is our God given and Constitution protected right. Even more so now that we've got a little one to protect.

No, I don't think its dangerous to have a gun in the house with Charlie. He's got years before he'll go digging around in drawers and closets, and it won't lead to trouble because our guns are secured and locked. No accidental discharges over here. I'll say this, no one can convince me I'm wrong for being a mother and a gun owner, and I'll be damned if I let some jack off tell me I can't have it and take it from me.

Anything not necessary takes a backseat

Personal hygiene is the second thing to suffer with a new baby--the first obviously being sleep. Unless you absolutely need it (i.e. going to the bathroom), you'll end up putting it off because why take a twenty minute shower when you can sleep for that tinge period? Or eat? Or just change your clothes then eat then sleep?

I'm not saying I haven't showered, I'm saying I haven't done my hair since little man was born and I've certainly looked better. But I don't even care! I mean, when Eric hangs out with little man in the evening after work, I could shower and wash my hair but there's no way I'd have time to straighten it so I don't. Some nights I'll forgo the shower so I can spend time with Eric and Charlie together. Priority wise, my little family is tops and sometimes that means they trump personal hygiene. But I'm not gonna lie, one of these days I'm doing mommy and baby bath time just to kill two birds with one stone.

Baby boy's gathering that upper body strength...sort of.

Charlie is lifting his head up to try to look at whoever is holding him, but his weak neck causes his head to be all the way back so he's looking down at you. Its cute because he's learning to identify and sort out people. The other day he was looking at Eric and when I sat next to them he kamikazi'd out of Eric's hands towards me.

Sometimes he'll do the dive bombing on purpose but sometimes its like he's exhausted and he'll go limp. Haha its so cute because his eyes go all wide like "what happened?".

Man's best friend

We recently had to say goodbye to our family dog and it was tough. It was extra tough on my brother because he slept with the dog in his bed every night. I was just bothered by the fact my little boy would never get to chase the dog around or get covered in dog kisses from the sweetest dog around.

Like Boyz II Men said, its so hard to say goodbye.

Everything is different post partum

After you give birth there are the obvious changes: you're not pregnant anymore, your vajayjay and uterus are shrinking down, your hormones are on the fritz, you've got a little baby. Here are some little mentioned changes I've noticed: my poops are the closest they've been to prepregnancy to date, I haven't been sharing with Eric like I did the entire pregnancy and before, my stitches are pretty much dissolved but I sneezed and it felt like someone poked my taint super hard.

Wow, who said giving birth and motherhood weren't glamorous? Eric and I are having a share today about how we feel since the baby's come and how we feel as a couple.

I'm obsessed!

See usually it's like a race to get food in me or use the bathroom or shower while he's asleep or otherwise distracted. Problem is, I use the part of our nap time I'm not sleeping to watch him sleep. His round cheeks and little nose, his tiny ears and baby pink mouth are all so sweet and soft. His eyelashes are coming in and his eyebrows are right behind them length wise. He makes the cutest faces whenever I try to leave, like in his sleep he can sense I'm trying to leave bed. Feeling his breathing and snuggling is the greatest and well worth the lost sleep at night.

When I'm breastfeeding him and he's bound and determined not to latch on properly, I remember the alternative is I dry up completely and miss out on canoodling with him while he eats. He's so cute when he's eating, and the little hums he does are entertaining.

Oh, and the way he smells! Why do babies smell so amazing? Ugh, I'm so freaking obsessed with him. My cousin asked me the other day if I could keep him at any age forever, what would that age be and why. At the time I told her I haven't experienced him at all the ages to make an informed decision, but this age is a contender for his smell alone.

When I over think what in doing

In this day and age when we have a question we don't know the answer to, we Google it. Some of what you'll find is helpful but the rest can be scary. That's why I use Baby Center's app and online community solely; that way I don't read anything that would be counter productive. That combined with my baby log app, Bubtrac, keeps me from thinking the worst of completely normal things.

Breastfeeding is a complete mystery because you can't physically see how much is being made/eaten, so to avoid stressing out about it (thus messing with my milk supply) I can keep track of how often he eats and how often it leaves to reassure myself he's getting enough to eat.

Plus doctors will ask how often the baby is peeing, feeding and pooping so when you can give exact numbers instead of shooting in the dark, it helps you look like a competent and organized parent. Which is awesome, because I don't always feel that way.

It feels a bit like cabin fever.

In the beginning, you're going to spend a lot of time one on one with the baby; it'll be great, don't get new wrong, learning who your little one is and memorizing features. But sometimes it feels like being alone with the baby for another moment is stressful, like if you doing see another human adult you're thing to go mad. That's completely normal! It's human nature.

Just know its not as much stress as getting his stuff together to leave the house. There's no more "quick run" or "popping in" someplace. You'd think leaving the hospital would have been a clue; it took Eric several trips to get the car packed! Being by yourself with the baby and juggling him and all his stuff is a struggle itself not including the fresh hell that awaits for when you're driving.

Sure, your baby will eventually be lulled to sleep by the rocking of the car and the white noise the tires on the road makes. Until then, though, you will have to deal with a crying baby that you cannot soothe while you drive. Its illegal to have the baby in your lap (that's obvious) but its also super frowned upon to reach back while you're driving; its even worse to push yourself up in your seat to look back there. Like I said, e v e n t u a l l y they'll fall asleep and when that happens their head may roll forward and cause their chin to rest on their chest. THAT IS BAD. They could suffocate themselves by essentially closing their esophagus. You can't put blankets under their chin because they could wriggle it free and smother themselves with it.

Pretty much, it kind of feels like driving alone is a death trap and you're better off staying home.

We started off enthusiastic...

My water broke at 630am on January 13th, I was waddling around the apartment trying to get ready to go to the hospital without dribbling amniotic fluid everywhere. Finally, I shake Eric awake for the third time and tell him that I'm ready to go to the hospital with or without him. We head there and are immediately admitted; we're in a labor and delivery (L&D) room by noon. We've texted everyone on the phone tree, called immediate family and are thanking our lucky stars we took those birthing classes-- at least we were until my nurses informed me since my contractions weren't picking up I'd need Pitocin. For those of you unfamiliar with what Pitocin is, it's a synthetic Oxytocin used to promote contractions. Since my water had a gross break, they didn't want to risk me having a dry birth. My contractions started to speed up and I thought "okay I can do this!"; a nurse came in to check my dilation and offer an epidural which I refused. Then, my contractions went from mildy uncomfortable like severe period cramps to unbelievably painful like someone crushing my uterus like a coke can, and it happened over the course of an hour. I'm writhing on the bed trying to get through each individual contraction, staring at the clock thinking "only ten more seconds. it won't last forever". Before I know it the nurse lets me know I can bring my knees up and start pushing; I start to do so and immediately lay down flat, doing so hurts even worse than the contractions up to that point which was unfathomable to me. At this point my memory gets fuzzy because I didn't black out but I was so focused on getting him out I don't know what happened in the next half hour. Eric tells me I didn't scream or cuss anyone out, I went for his throat but he's sure I was just trying to get his shoulder to squeeze. Half an hour later, they plop Charlie onto my stomach and go to work getting my downstairs ready for post partum (PP) hang out. Charlie was this grey little person, he didn't cry he was just gasping for air, his little fingers opening and closing. Eric was crying from the moment he started crowning because he could see his hair. I grabbed Charlie and started rubbing his arms and his head trying to get him to cry while Eric cut the cord. The nurses took him to the warmer to clean him and measure him while Eric is congratulating me on pushing him out so quickly without pain meds. Then I hear the nurses saying "10.2" to each other and I'm trying to focus because I'm convinced it's hospital code for "there's something wrong with this baby/mother"; I get the attention of a nurse and ask what the "10.2" is and she tells me it's my baby's weight. I was blown away! There hadn't been any indications that my boy was going to be that huge! Eric goes out to let our family know what's going on in the hall while the doctor finishes sewing me up and a nurse starts a fundal massage (which btw was freaking weird and slightly painful). After he's wiped off and wrapped up, they give him to me and I try to bond with him in the hour I've got before they whisk him off to nursery. Eric goes with him to nursery and I'm taken to my PP room; once there I send the necessary texts and think about what I've just been through. People come and go and eventually Charlie is brought back into my room; I start feeding him and marveling at how tiny he is at the same time as being a huge baby. It's late when Eric and I are ready to call it a night, the adrenaline from the day finally wearing off, and we slip him into his hospital bassinet only for him to rouse a few minutes later howling. To this day, his crying stresses me out, I hate it and so I immediately am up and trying to see what he needs. He was only comforted by being fed and held so he spends the night with me. The doctor the next day informs us he has crepitus, a crack in his clavicle normal for a baby his size being birthed vaginally, and that may be why he was uncomfortable in the hard plastic bassinet. When we're discharged and the car is all packed up, we pop his car seat into the cradle and drive home. Seeing him in the car all dressed in clothes we picked out weeks before makes it real to me that he's ours and we're taking him home for good; I bawl pretty much the entire way home. After all the waiting and anticipating, he's finally home and ours and present.

It just makes me really anxious

When he cries, it stresses me out immensely. Not because it frustrates me or it makes me angry, but because I feel like he's shouting "you're a terrible mom, you don't love me, you aren't good enough". He's this tiny person who is completely dependent on me and that's a ton of pressure for someone who doesn't want to completely fuck up. I love this little man so much, I watch him sleep completely enamored that when he is fussy I've got to do something. So now that he seems unable to sleep in his crib, I'm doing cosleeping and I'm unsure of how to introduce his crib in the mix. Hell, I put off showers and eating to avoid upsetting him.