Baby Wearer's Dilemma

I'm all about baby wearing and already have a Seven Sling and an Infantino Breathe Carrier.

We absolutely love the SS, but now the problem is little man always seems on the verge of spilling out of the loop.

We like the IBC but it seems to be too big and getting him in and out by your onesie is tricky--the other night I practically had to toss him one handed into his carseat because we were trapped.

We registered for a Moby wrap when we did the baby shower registry, but no one sprang for one. I was super bummed but now I'm glad I haven't gotten one yet because its given me a chance to do some research on different brands. Be careful what you wish for though, because now I'm at a crux trying to decide which one I like the best: Moby or Baby K'tan.

The Moby wrap has had a ton of rave reviews from peers and their website is amazing. They've got a section called "Moby Lifestyle" that has yoga positions and exercises you can do with your baby in the wrap. It comes in a ton of different colors and patterns. But it looks kinda tricky to get down and there's a ton of fabric you're weaving around your body. Plus, once you wrap yourself up and stick baby in, if its too loose or too tight you have to start all over.

The Baby K'tan is marketed as "the coverage of a wrap with the ease of a sling" and from the pictures it is waaayyy simpler than the MW. It doesn't come in as many patterns/colors as the MW but it'll take about half the time to put it on and slip baby in. I stumbled across an add for BK in a parenting/NB magazine and don't know of anyone I personally know who has one so there's no personal testimony I can bring. Its a fixed size so I'll always know baby will fit without constantly adjusting if I get the right size.

Buying both is out because frankly I don't have $110 (MW is bout $50 and the BK is about $60) to drop for them, and if the MW is as tough as the video at bottom shows then there's no way in a pinch I'll use it. Then I'll have bought it and end up using the BK all the time. Since Eric and I are the same size I won't have to worry about getting two BK in different sizes, but the MW eliminates the possibility of us not fitting. I think I'll bite the bullet and go for the BK after watching this video. If I don't love it I can always return it right?

Phantom poops

I hate when I'm driving and I get a whiff of Charlie's poop. I immediately think "do I have it stuck on me?" and the answer is (so far) always "no". Why on earth do I get struck with these phantom poops? Sometimes they hit Eric too but they hit me often and at random times. Once, I was so convinced he pooped that when I opened his diaper and there wasn't any I stood there for a minute confused.

Back to the grindstone...plus one!

I started back at work last week (hence the decline in posts which I'm remedying!) and it hasn't been too much of an adjustment. I'm a nanny and the family I nanny for has graciously alloweed me to bring Charlie to work with me"; it helps that right now I've got the entire time the girls are at school free. I'm so freaking lucky! Plus, I'd be S.O.L. otherwise because he's too small to be in daycare and I've got no one to watch him. I still get time with little one, the ability to pump/breastfeed at will and I can work.

Being on maternity leave has made things spread thin financially, but bless Eric and his wllingness to juggle things so I could take as long as I needed-- he even tried to encourage me to take a longer leave. It feels good to contribute to our household again and even better since I'm not sacrificing time with my baby boy to do so.

Random thoughts

Thank God for online mom support communities because if I could only ask my mom about her pregnancies, I'd freaking lose it! her experiences are so different from mine as are her parenting philosophies, it'd be frustrating and confusing.

I woke up soaked in my own breast milk today. Good morning to me.

When Charlie smiles in his sleep I wish I could read his mind and see what he's dreaming about.

I'm constantly patting myself down, digging through bags and looking around a room convinced I'm forgetting something or am about to.

Fuck hair doing and make up. When I was pregnant I had a faint notion I'd start wearing make up because I felt disgusting while 8-9 months pregnant. Now reality says "ha! that's funny"

I wish it wasn't so inconvenient

I'm exclusively breastfeeding Charlie, and we're trying to introduce the bottle so I pump when I can to build up our surplus. But damn it all, if the pump isn't inconvenient as all hell at 2 am. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that it can completely drain a too full breast in less than 10 minutes, but it takes that long making sure I've got all the pieces, its assembled and on the nipple correctly. Ughhhh and don't get me started on cleaning and sterilizing everything between uses!

I'm hoping I'll find a shortcut or something because breast is best and I want to keep giving him that.

And here we have the peanut gallery

We introduced Charlie to the bottle this weekend, and despite warnings he might not like it, he chugged every bottle down so fast he was convnced he was still hungry afterwards. Haha that would be funny if it were just Eric and me, but since my mom was around when we first introduced the bottle she had all these comments about when she was breast feeding me. I was pumping at the same time as Eric was feeding Charlie, and I made decent amounts.

Later on when my maternal grandmother and aunt were there as well, I had all three of them hovering over my shoulder, spouting comments and well meant advice but it was like being bombarded. When I pumped that time I made about half the amount I usually pump. Moral of the story is, if you're stressed or under duress you won't make as much milk.

Never grow up

Sometimes when I'm hanging out with Charlie or feeding him, I just look at him and think "I wish he'd stay this way forever". I want him to never grow up and be a baby forever sometimes! Haha but then at the same time I can't wait until he's bigger to experience his personality and just him at each age.

I think the craziest part to me is that I'm so obsessed with him; if you would have told me a year and a half ago I'd be a mother I would have laughed. Now this little man calls the shots and I'm totes okay with that!

Is this really up for debate?

In light of all the gun control talk going around right now, I was discussing our family gun policy with my dad and Eric. We are all very big gun supporters, what with my dad teaching CHL classes and servicing guns and Eric and I both having taken the class. Protecting ourselves and owning guns is our God given and Constitution protected right. Even more so now that we've got a little one to protect.

No, I don't think its dangerous to have a gun in the house with Charlie. He's got years before he'll go digging around in drawers and closets, and it won't lead to trouble because our guns are secured and locked. No accidental discharges over here. I'll say this, no one can convince me I'm wrong for being a mother and a gun owner, and I'll be damned if I let some jack off tell me I can't have it and take it from me.

Anything not necessary takes a backseat

Personal hygiene is the second thing to suffer with a new baby--the first obviously being sleep. Unless you absolutely need it (i.e. going to the bathroom), you'll end up putting it off because why take a twenty minute shower when you can sleep for that tinge period? Or eat? Or just change your clothes then eat then sleep?

I'm not saying I haven't showered, I'm saying I haven't done my hair since little man was born and I've certainly looked better. But I don't even care! I mean, when Eric hangs out with little man in the evening after work, I could shower and wash my hair but there's no way I'd have time to straighten it so I don't. Some nights I'll forgo the shower so I can spend time with Eric and Charlie together. Priority wise, my little family is tops and sometimes that means they trump personal hygiene. But I'm not gonna lie, one of these days I'm doing mommy and baby bath time just to kill two birds with one stone.

Baby boy's gathering that upper body strength...sort of.

Charlie is lifting his head up to try to look at whoever is holding him, but his weak neck causes his head to be all the way back so he's looking down at you. Its cute because he's learning to identify and sort out people. The other day he was looking at Eric and when I sat next to them he kamikazi'd out of Eric's hands towards me.

Sometimes he'll do the dive bombing on purpose but sometimes its like he's exhausted and he'll go limp. Haha its so cute because his eyes go all wide like "what happened?".

Man's best friend

We recently had to say goodbye to our family dog and it was tough. It was extra tough on my brother because he slept with the dog in his bed every night. I was just bothered by the fact my little boy would never get to chase the dog around or get covered in dog kisses from the sweetest dog around.

Like Boyz II Men said, its so hard to say goodbye.

Everything is different post partum

After you give birth there are the obvious changes: you're not pregnant anymore, your vajayjay and uterus are shrinking down, your hormones are on the fritz, you've got a little baby. Here are some little mentioned changes I've noticed: my poops are the closest they've been to prepregnancy to date, I haven't been sharing with Eric like I did the entire pregnancy and before, my stitches are pretty much dissolved but I sneezed and it felt like someone poked my taint super hard.

Wow, who said giving birth and motherhood weren't glamorous? Eric and I are having a share today about how we feel since the baby's come and how we feel as a couple.

I'm obsessed!

See usually it's like a race to get food in me or use the bathroom or shower while he's asleep or otherwise distracted. Problem is, I use the part of our nap time I'm not sleeping to watch him sleep. His round cheeks and little nose, his tiny ears and baby pink mouth are all so sweet and soft. His eyelashes are coming in and his eyebrows are right behind them length wise. He makes the cutest faces whenever I try to leave, like in his sleep he can sense I'm trying to leave bed. Feeling his breathing and snuggling is the greatest and well worth the lost sleep at night.

When I'm breastfeeding him and he's bound and determined not to latch on properly, I remember the alternative is I dry up completely and miss out on canoodling with him while he eats. He's so cute when he's eating, and the little hums he does are entertaining.

Oh, and the way he smells! Why do babies smell so amazing? Ugh, I'm so freaking obsessed with him. My cousin asked me the other day if I could keep him at any age forever, what would that age be and why. At the time I told her I haven't experienced him at all the ages to make an informed decision, but this age is a contender for his smell alone.

When I over think what in doing

In this day and age when we have a question we don't know the answer to, we Google it. Some of what you'll find is helpful but the rest can be scary. That's why I use Baby Center's app and online community solely; that way I don't read anything that would be counter productive. That combined with my baby log app, Bubtrac, keeps me from thinking the worst of completely normal things.

Breastfeeding is a complete mystery because you can't physically see how much is being made/eaten, so to avoid stressing out about it (thus messing with my milk supply) I can keep track of how often he eats and how often it leaves to reassure myself he's getting enough to eat.

Plus doctors will ask how often the baby is peeing, feeding and pooping so when you can give exact numbers instead of shooting in the dark, it helps you look like a competent and organized parent. Which is awesome, because I don't always feel that way.

It feels a bit like cabin fever.

In the beginning, you're going to spend a lot of time one on one with the baby; it'll be great, don't get new wrong, learning who your little one is and memorizing features. But sometimes it feels like being alone with the baby for another moment is stressful, like if you doing see another human adult you're thing to go mad. That's completely normal! It's human nature.

Just know its not as much stress as getting his stuff together to leave the house. There's no more "quick run" or "popping in" someplace. You'd think leaving the hospital would have been a clue; it took Eric several trips to get the car packed! Being by yourself with the baby and juggling him and all his stuff is a struggle itself not including the fresh hell that awaits for when you're driving.

Sure, your baby will eventually be lulled to sleep by the rocking of the car and the white noise the tires on the road makes. Until then, though, you will have to deal with a crying baby that you cannot soothe while you drive. Its illegal to have the baby in your lap (that's obvious) but its also super frowned upon to reach back while you're driving; its even worse to push yourself up in your seat to look back there. Like I said, e v e n t u a l l y they'll fall asleep and when that happens their head may roll forward and cause their chin to rest on their chest. THAT IS BAD. They could suffocate themselves by essentially closing their esophagus. You can't put blankets under their chin because they could wriggle it free and smother themselves with it.

Pretty much, it kind of feels like driving alone is a death trap and you're better off staying home.

We started off enthusiastic...

My water broke at 630am on January 13th, I was waddling around the apartment trying to get ready to go to the hospital without dribbling amniotic fluid everywhere. Finally, I shake Eric awake for the third time and tell him that I'm ready to go to the hospital with or without him. We head there and are immediately admitted; we're in a labor and delivery (L&D) room by noon. We've texted everyone on the phone tree, called immediate family and are thanking our lucky stars we took those birthing classes-- at least we were until my nurses informed me since my contractions weren't picking up I'd need Pitocin. For those of you unfamiliar with what Pitocin is, it's a synthetic Oxytocin used to promote contractions. Since my water had a gross break, they didn't want to risk me having a dry birth. My contractions started to speed up and I thought "okay I can do this!"; a nurse came in to check my dilation and offer an epidural which I refused. Then, my contractions went from mildy uncomfortable like severe period cramps to unbelievably painful like someone crushing my uterus like a coke can, and it happened over the course of an hour. I'm writhing on the bed trying to get through each individual contraction, staring at the clock thinking "only ten more seconds. it won't last forever". Before I know it the nurse lets me know I can bring my knees up and start pushing; I start to do so and immediately lay down flat, doing so hurts even worse than the contractions up to that point which was unfathomable to me. At this point my memory gets fuzzy because I didn't black out but I was so focused on getting him out I don't know what happened in the next half hour. Eric tells me I didn't scream or cuss anyone out, I went for his throat but he's sure I was just trying to get his shoulder to squeeze. Half an hour later, they plop Charlie onto my stomach and go to work getting my downstairs ready for post partum (PP) hang out. Charlie was this grey little person, he didn't cry he was just gasping for air, his little fingers opening and closing. Eric was crying from the moment he started crowning because he could see his hair. I grabbed Charlie and started rubbing his arms and his head trying to get him to cry while Eric cut the cord. The nurses took him to the warmer to clean him and measure him while Eric is congratulating me on pushing him out so quickly without pain meds. Then I hear the nurses saying "10.2" to each other and I'm trying to focus because I'm convinced it's hospital code for "there's something wrong with this baby/mother"; I get the attention of a nurse and ask what the "10.2" is and she tells me it's my baby's weight. I was blown away! There hadn't been any indications that my boy was going to be that huge! Eric goes out to let our family know what's going on in the hall while the doctor finishes sewing me up and a nurse starts a fundal massage (which btw was freaking weird and slightly painful). After he's wiped off and wrapped up, they give him to me and I try to bond with him in the hour I've got before they whisk him off to nursery. Eric goes with him to nursery and I'm taken to my PP room; once there I send the necessary texts and think about what I've just been through. People come and go and eventually Charlie is brought back into my room; I start feeding him and marveling at how tiny he is at the same time as being a huge baby. It's late when Eric and I are ready to call it a night, the adrenaline from the day finally wearing off, and we slip him into his hospital bassinet only for him to rouse a few minutes later howling. To this day, his crying stresses me out, I hate it and so I immediately am up and trying to see what he needs. He was only comforted by being fed and held so he spends the night with me. The doctor the next day informs us he has crepitus, a crack in his clavicle normal for a baby his size being birthed vaginally, and that may be why he was uncomfortable in the hard plastic bassinet. When we're discharged and the car is all packed up, we pop his car seat into the cradle and drive home. Seeing him in the car all dressed in clothes we picked out weeks before makes it real to me that he's ours and we're taking him home for good; I bawl pretty much the entire way home. After all the waiting and anticipating, he's finally home and ours and present.

It just makes me really anxious

When he cries, it stresses me out immensely. Not because it frustrates me or it makes me angry, but because I feel like he's shouting "you're a terrible mom, you don't love me, you aren't good enough". He's this tiny person who is completely dependent on me and that's a ton of pressure for someone who doesn't want to completely fuck up. I love this little man so much, I watch him sleep completely enamored that when he is fussy I've got to do something. So now that he seems unable to sleep in his crib, I'm doing cosleeping and I'm unsure of how to introduce his crib in the mix. Hell, I put off showers and eating to avoid upsetting him.