What day is it?

Worst day keep track of person ever right here. I completely forgot about mommy Monday! Never fear though! Here we go!

Being a parent is a wonderful, amazing, terrifying blessing. I live my life flying high with bliss and debilitated with anxiety. I just wanna carry him around with me all the time!!

When I see other people with their babies I wanna kiss Charlie-- I am torn literally every time I get home from work between hoping he's asleep peacefully or being awake so I can hold him.

This is definitely not something I was warned of! I'm obsessed with him and so stressed at the thought of all the things that can happen to him. There are a million things beyond my control that could hurt him or his quality of life, and I cry sometimes thinking of what could happen. 

Be warned, people, parenthood isn't for the weak-- any decent person will find it hard to be selfish when it involves their child. 

Is he a jerk or isn't he a jerk?

There are times when Eric and mines opinion differ...greatly, to say the least. We take turns being right but that doesn't make my turns at being wrong any less bitter.

When you're pregnant there's a lot of agreeing and planning but until you're in the situation there's no telling where you'll be. Eric's very much tough love and wanting Charlie to do a lot himself. I'm very attachment parenting and very hands on. We were on the same page in the beginning but as we both started expecting different things and wanting different things, our opinions started to clash. 

I am super grateful that Eric is my opposite on some issues because it means we're looking at things differently and covering all the angles. We don't let our differences become points of contention because at the end of the day we both want Charlie thriving and happy.

Eric loves our little guy just as much as I do and loves to just snuggle up with him too; when he frustrates me or seems hard hearted I just remind myself of that and it eases the sting.

It's not about knee jerk reactions anymore

In my old life, I was a free spirit-- going wherever the road led, no problem. Now that I've got a little one, that way of life isn't always okay anymore. Somethings I'm glad to not have to do anymore, like be a friend's plus one to a thing where their crush will be (you know where they bring you as a back up plan but usually ditch you), but things like impromptu adventures with friends I do miss.

Typically, things like new job opportunities I tend to follow my knee jerk reaction on because I don't have many options with my availability and I want to be doing the best I can with the time I can spare for work. I'm trying to be a responsible adult and stick to my plans but dang it, sometimes a girl just wants to hop in a car with no destination in mind-- just her friends and a playlist-- and go.

So on that idea I'll give old life a half a point, but mommy hood still wins out because the look Charlie gives me when he laughs is so amazing. I loved my old life but Charlie couldn't fit into it, so it has to change because I love him more than anything.

Adjusting isn't easy but nothing ever worth doing is. I've got to just remind myself of that tirelessly. 

Writing again

Having a child changes things-- oh Lord, does it change things-- but now that I'm adjusted to having my little guy I'm missing the things that made me me. Writing and creative ventures were/are a really big part of me and I'm ready to get back into it!!

The thing that kind of makes me pause though is that usually when I write or get into my creative zone, I tend to detach myself from everything around me. I don't know why, maybe so that what I'm creating isn't influenced by anything but my thought process? Perhaps it's because I don't want to get distracted and lose my momentum?

Whatever the reason, obviously it would not be okay for me to detach now that I've got a little boy who depends on me for everything. I'm thinking of this chane in my approach as a good thing, I did have a bad habit of not following though because "the impulse was gone". Now that I'm not ruled by fickle tides of "inspiration" I can really work on my writing again.

After all, the only way to get better is to keep doing it and it's sad I can't even churn out at least a post a week haha! So I'm officially declaring Monday my mandatory posting day! We'll call it Mommy Monday haha. 

Baby fever?

Lately I've been asked by people if I'm "ready for another kid/baby yet?"  I always reply no because I'm still enjoying Charlie grow up. I don't think I've got even a touch of normal baby fever like some people seem to assume I should have. When I see small children and babies at work I get a small pang, sure, but it's because I miss Charlie so much! All I want is to hug him when I see other moms shopping with their little ones. 

I'm forever wondering what he's doing or if he's okay without me when I'm gone, then I feel guilty for doing so because I spend most of my days with him. Eric works a 9-5 job, would LOVE to spend as much time as I do with Charlie and here I am complaining about the twenty some odd hours I spend away from him? Rude. Charlie is a constantly changing and growing little boy; we'll never get these moments back with him! That's why personally I couldn't intentionally have another child so soon-- we'd miss all of this!